New restaurant in Chicago = Chinaski’s. I think Hank would be proud.

From Timeout Chicago:

A GOOD PLACE TO GET LIT It’s not the bookstore the neighborhood badly needs, but Chinaski’s is nevertheless doing its part to bring a little literary culture to its strip of Damen Avenue. Having taken over the Whiskey Road space a few weeks ago, the owners refashioned the bar to be a haven for people who like beer and words in equal amounts. (To wit, the name of the bar is taken from an autobiographical Charles Bukowski character.) The stage in the back room will now be put to use at a weekly Wednesday-night literary open mike, a comedy open mike on Thursdays and other bookish events, and the sandwiches on the menu are named for maverick authors and poets. But fans of Whiskey Road need not go into mourning yet—one thing Chinaski’s has kept around is the Monday-night baskets of unlimited bacon.

Remember when there was a part 1 and 2 of this interview? Yeah, I didn’t until now. It’s no secret that things have been a little slack lately in the cogs of the JUICEBOXdotcom monstermachine. Somehow in the midst of moving (which reminds me, new mailing address!), a full technological breakdown, and the tribute night (when, ideally, the last part of the interview should have gone up), our humble website kind of fell by the wayside. At a time when we were getting the most hits. Man, are we ever smart business types.

Anyhow, we’re trying to get back on track now. We have a ton of backlogged stuff that we should have posted soon. Also wait with baited breath for a bit of a site re-haul to get rid of the crap we don’t really use (Box-o-vision? More like… I got nothing… but it’s useless). So good tings a-happening soontimes.

But more to the point, we saw Hugh and Bruce again this weekend while covering Fan Expo (they were promoting Durham County and Pontypool, respectively), which was as good a reminder as any that we should put the rest of this stuff up. And stop appearing everywhere they are for at least 1 year’s time.

FYI, Sam interviewed Hugh for Exclaim! post-tribute, so go look at that too. Outside of the posted interview, Hugh had this to say about HCL: “There’s so much fucking bad Canadian fucking bullshit that it’s great to have a few things that stand up year after year and mean something.”

Amen. And thanks to everyone who came out to the tribute. We’ll have a few pics up soon.

It’s been over 10 years since HCL. What is everyone up to now?
Well John Pyper-Ferguson, who plays John Oxenberger, lives in LA, as he has for many years, and he was on some show called Brothers and Sisters, some big American show. He continues to do stuff, writes music, he’s written a script called The Lounge Singer. So he’s pro-actor LA dude.

Bernie Coulson is in Vancouver and I think he’s just had a very successful rehab-turn-my-life-around kind of thing happen so things are looking good in Bernie camp. He was on that show Intelligence, I think. He also makes music and he’s got a heavy metal band that he plays drums for. Basically he’s full of goodness and excitement. He’s one of my favourite actors. He just goes through really intense times, like, “oh fuck, bernie’s gone off, no one knows where he is, he didn’t show up today.” It’s scary, you know, you want everybody to be good. It’s not so much John, but the other three, in a way, have all had their serious battles with addiction. But they’re winning. It’s not an easy thing.

Callum is in the X-Files movie and he’s in this series called Californication with David Duchovny. He plays a music producer in like 10 episodes, so he’s mid-swing in that.

And then our friend Hugh most recently is the hero of a cop sniper series called Flashpoint. It’s so weird seeing his face on fucking buses all the time. He’s another one who’s made an amazing transformation. Things were pretty fucking dodgy there for a time and then something happened and he decided, “Fuck it, I’m gonna totally change everything.” He quit the Headstones, and in a sense it was to save his life. He’s so crazy in that band, getting into all kinds of trouble, that someone or himself had to put the fear of god in him, like, “Next time you go on tour, you’re coming home in a box.” It’s that simple the way he’d been going. He either got scared, or he decided he wanted to live, or whatever. But it’s really impressive to see how he’s completely refocused his energies. He’s been studying acting and doing a lot of great stuff, top of his game right now. His turnaround and total embrace of another lifestyle is so radical and impressive that now Hugh’s like my older brother and I need to get my shit together.

Noel’s been writing a lot of screenplays, he has some big projects in the making and as I’ve come to realize, it can take anywhere from five to ten motherfucking years to land. It’s just unbelievable. So I think Noel’s waiting for the next one to hit, so he’s got a drawer full after that. Just crank ‘em out.

With Julian Richings, who plays Bucky Haight, it’s actually kind of great, we’ve been doing this series of one-hour portraits for the Independent Film Channel. And we’ve done the Cliques, we’ve done Die Mannequin, Brendan Canning from Broken Social Scene, we may do Metric next, and I pitched them that the narrator of the series should be Bucky Haight. So in all these episodes, he’s on camera as the walk-around expert. It was so awesome that one of the station executives thought he was a real guy at first, had no idea that he was this actor, or that he was in this film called Hard Core Logo. I sold the idea and Julian is having a really fun time channeling Bucky. People are like, “Man, I thought that was the guy from Hard Core Logo… I thought that was a made up movie, what’s going on?” And Julian was in Tracey Fragments too. Any chance I get to put these guys in something, I’ll do it. Whether it’s Hugh Dillon as the child-beating dad on Degrassi, we’ll pull them in to get my buddies work. In return, Hugh has invited me to play guitar with him at the Mod Club and CBGBs, and we opened for the Hip, so Hugh gives me my rock ‘n’ roll street cred and I give him paycheques from acting gigs.

Speaking of paycheques, what’s all this about Hard Core Logo 2?
Well, these ideas have been bubbling for four or five years. For Hugh and I, it’s our make-work project. There are a couple of scripts actually. Like David Griffith, who was the story editor on the first movie, has one we call Hard Core Solo. It’s Joe Dick returning from the dead, so to speak, and doing a solo tour of the UK and recording a solo album with Bucky Haight in a Scottish castle. Pretty great. It’s mostly Joe Dick’s story, the filmmaker’s story, so Bruce the filmmaker plays a pretty big part in that. And Bucky. With cameo appearances by Billy Talent and Pipefitter.

There’s another script that’s just first draft and it’s by a fantastic writer Daniel McIver, mostly known as a playwriter and director. I’d sent him My Dinner with Andre and said, “Dude, I love this movie. Do you think you could write My Dinner with Joe and Billy?” So he kind of riffed off that notion and created this Cassavettes two-guys-out-on-the -own kind of thing between Joe and Billy.

And this other guy, Paul Spence, one of the writers on Fubar, has written the treatment about the daughters of the guys, a high school teenage girl rocker movie. We’re thinking fucking Saw grinds them out, why can’t we do that? Become a moneymaking Canadian rock ‘n’ roll franchise. Why the fuck not? Make ‘em for a million bucks or whatever and it’s a way to work with your friends. But we want the scripts and the projects to be great, and we’ve spent a lot of time knocking ideas around. So they won’t be Hard Core Logo, but there may be this little tracer of continuity. Just something to sort of amuse ourselves. And if we can pull it off, we’ll have some fun with it. The one thing about Hugh becoming a bigger and bigger star is that he’ll bring financing to our little franchise, and as long as we can fit it around his busy schedule, we’ll see if we can start getting them together.

Back to this little tribute night, has something like this ever happened before with the film?
Not that I know of. I mean, i know people like to watch the movie and get high, and maybe other bands have covered some of these songs. But this is just a fun idea. It’s entering that realm of Rocky Horror Picture Show or Dark Side of Oz where you have this film/music component that alternates, this alternating current that’s just neat.

Have you ever been to the Revue before?
Oh yeah, I’m a big fan of the Revue, I used to go there fucking all the time. Not lately because we’ve got a movie theatre next door -– The Royal –- we’re doing our work there. But no, I love the Revue. I’ve seen many, many, many movies there. It’s good to see movie theatres becoming more like the good old days, like vaudeville. You have a performance, a movie, some strippers maybe, whatever.

Do you think we should get strippers for the Hard Core Logo night?
I totally think so. I just made a note to self.

(Cross-posted to Torontoist)

Though he wasn’t born and raised in West Philly (try Kenya and London Ontario, respectively), Toronto-based and Polaris-nominated emcee Shad has dropped this unstoppable shot-by-shot send-up of the Fresh Prince title sequence as the video for his latest single, “The Old Prince Still Lives At Home.” With London valiantly subbing in for Bel-Air, all he’s really missing is a hi-top fade.

Oh, and once you’re done watching, you should probably go buy his record The Old Prince so you can say you owned it before he won his Polaris dollars. Which he plans to spend on food and a gold cape.

When Colin Farrell’s star began growing in Hollywood I didn’t care. Not even Hart’s War could make me care.

Then I read a story about “A Home at the End of the World,” from writer Michael Cunningham (Academy Award winner, The Hours) and director Michael Mayer (Kid’s Choice winner, Flicka). The story was about Colin’s cock. There was a scene cut from the original version of the film where Colin’s character is standing full-frontal for everyone to see. The reason it was cut? Women in the test audience were so distracted by his size that they couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the film.

Colin Farrell’s cock is so big it makes women stupid.

So, there was some reputation to live up to when I first saw his sex tape.

Colin’s sex tape was released during the golden age of sex tapes. When it was still scandalous; when stars actually tried to suppress them by any means possible. There were no “mysterious leaks” before the premiere of Star X’s big movie, or publicly announced distribution deals - these were embarrassing videos that could potentially ruin your career. Which is why I think Colin’s tape is so interesting; very little, if any, action was taken to stop it from being released.

It was like he didn’t care at all. You get the impression he heard a tape of him and Nicole Narain having sex was leaked on the internet and he laughed it off. Which, in the long run, worked. The average movie going public doesn’t even know he has a sex tape; and that’s a shame - because it could be the best sex tape ever made.

As far as sex tapes go (in terms of being used as masturbatory aides), the top of the pile has two clear winners: Pam and Tommy, and One Night in Paris. They transcend sex-tape territory and dive straight into pornography while answering, “I wonder what it would be like to fuck (blank).”

However, where Pam and Tommy stake their claim in a great one-off, Paris killed the magic with bad sequel followed by worse sequel. The first installment in the trilogy not only has great sex, it also makes Paris come off as a little shy and approachable; she goes from being a sex symbol to the girl next door with the weird nose. Although nowadays when it gets to the night vision section, it kind of feels like I’m watching one of those creatures from The Descent sucking off Rick Solomon.

Then, the second Paris tape came out. I don’t know, or care, who the guy is - all I know is, while watching a sex tape I expect more than a boob and a half.

As for Paris number three? It’s nothing. Paris has a bath, while the most pathetic man in the world holds a camera on her and for fifteen minutes we hear him beg her for sex. Really. Who is this guy? Have a little self-respect. It’s Paris Hilton - give her half a Smirnoff Ice and go to town.

So where does the Colin Farrell tape stand in all of this? As a stand-alone piece it could be the best celebrity sex tape ever leaked. The video is actually fun to watch. It evokes a sense of nostalgia for teenage sexual awakening. It could be the Stand By Me of sex tapes.

The key to the tape isn’t the sex itself, it’s Colin’s approach to it. He fills you with the wonder and excitement of a 13-year-old reading through his dad’s Penthouse Forum from March 1978. He loves having sex with Nicole and he tells her at every opportunity. Bottom line being - Colin is the star of the show. Not his dick. Not Nicole (who - although attractive - is somewhat underwhelming). The star is Colin and every word that comes out of his mouth. Maybe it’s his accent, but the crudeness of his words have are full of endearment, flattery and masculine playfulness. My favorites are:

“Fuck, you are the sexiest motherfucker I have ever met. Holy shit, I didn’t know they made bastards as sexy as you, man!”

“Whatever princess wants, princess fuckin’ gets - let me tell ya.”

(While Nicole goes down on him)
“It’s like you’re goin’ fishing for fuckin pubes man, you’re just catchin’ every fuckin’ pube I have. By the end of this morning we wont have to fuckin’ shave me.”

(As he goes down on Nicole)
“you know what this is? this is my breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

Watching the video draws envy from both men and women. Women want to get fucked by Colin Farrell and men want to fuck like Colin Farrell. Because the Colin Farrell sex tape is the letter I would have written to Penthouse when I was 13. It’s how every teenage boy imagines losing his virginity. And that’s why it’s the Stand by Me of sex tapes: it’s a false nostalgia. He has sex like it’s the first time - but the way the first time is supposed to be, not the way it actually happens. There’s no striking out over and over again until, at 17 years old, one hot summer’s day your girlfriend randomly asks you if you want to do it. There’s no slow cautiousness because you have to be as quiet as possible in case your girlfriend’s dad comes in the house. There’s no girlfriend bursting out in tears five seconds before you come - not out of pain, but because, “something doesn’t feel right.” There’s no sitting in a sweaty lump in the corner of your girlfriend’s dark bedroom because she “just doesn’t want to be touched” while she finishes crying. There’s no throwing out your used condom in a public garbage can because you’re afraid her parents might find it otherwise. And most of all, there’s no guilt from thinking your first time having sex might actually be some kind of date rape.

Colin Farrell isn’t just having sex for Colin Farrell.

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

Just when we thought we couldn’t love Raymi more, she manages to keep our shit together with an email to remind us in our post-HCL haze (more on that later) that today is indeed Friday and we should maybe try doing our job at least 1/10 as well as she does hers by actually posting our lone quasi-regular feature.

raymi lauren to Ashley (3 hours ago)
hey lazy when does it go up i already blogged like a thousand times today!

Geez. Thanks, mom. Here:

Best injury
a piece of glass flew into my stomach from my brother swinging a grover stuffed doll while jumping on my bed and it hit the ceiling light and smashed to the ground, i was sitting leaning against my closet door wearing a bathingsuit (kids are awesome) it didnt even hurt that i recall, the glass was so sharp and fine it just plunked in, not too deep. my bro jumped off the bed and out of the room totally frightened he was going to get it, my parents came in the room, picked me up and put me on his bed in his room (glass was all over my floor) and took the glass out of my belly, i was gushing blood. no stitches, and i have a scar now, its tiny.

Best historical figure
marie antoinette, she was probably bipolar, i love sofia coppola’s depiction of her in film so much.

Best shirt
this. got it from black market, saw a skinny gay dude try it on then hang it back up, then i put it on and i could tell he totally regretted passing it up.

Best thing to do with $20
something involving food and booze like as much as you can get

Best party trick
this thing where i rotate my drink (full) 360 degrees and it looks like i am extremely graceful and double jointed, drunk people are so amazed by it and dazzled, it really is not difficult at all.

Best monster
beetlejuice

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
i am so self centred i enjoy all questions, cannot think of any one in particular, creative ones are good that jog yer memory and allow you to tell a story you’ve long since forgotten

From Craigslist SF:

I’ve been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I’m 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I’m old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I’m willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, “Ahha, we meet again”. That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis.

British accent preferred.

From San Luis Obispo:

Mounted Lobster

This is an amazing mounted lobster (18″!!!) on a wonderful marbled paper frame. Impress your friends! Delight your children! Scare your pets! And its free! I’m selling at a loss, but it’s all your gain! Haven’t you always wanted a lobster mounted on your wall? Now’s your chance! And it’s Free - that’s right, pay nothing now, nothing later, nothing EVER!!!

Seriously, get this thing out of my house!!

Yipes, Hard Core Logo Night this Thursday. FYI, we have a block of tickets on reserve for our friends & loyal JBdotcom readers (which in some cases are one in the same). And here’s more from our boy Bruce who will be valiantly darting between Pontypool pick-ups and HCL funtown the night of. Because he is a superhero. Who hangs out with Oscar the grouch.

Ahoy:

So were you a punk growing up? Were you involved in the scene at all?
Well, I grew up in Rexdale, outer reaches of the city, so I was never at the Crash ‘n’ Burn. I graduated high school in ’78 so I have fond memories of my friend coming back from England with a bunch of singles, the Pistols and stuff, and just thinking it was the greatest thing ever. We loved Stiff Little Fingers and Blondie and the Ramones. Those records were really big defining, sonic things. But in terms of punk lifestyle, I looked more like a hippie. Long hair, army jacket, more the Niel Young fashion that came out of that tail end of the ‘70s. My fashion was in 1972 but my head was in ’77. It wasn’t until much later that I really got into it, when I started doing music videos for Hugh and the Headstones and really getting to know a bunch of musicians in the city. We had a garage band that was half a band, but nothing that serious.

Wait, what was your garage band called?
Mother Napkin (laughs). We would just do covers, play parties and suburban basements. Just a fun way to channel our heroes.

One of the really enduring things about the movie — and one of the reasons we’re doing this night -– is that the songs are so perfect. And given that all that came out of the book were the lyrics, how did those come together?
Initially when we wrote the script we didn’t intend to have much music in the film at all, because all these fucking rock movies, the music is always so lame. So when Noel and I wrote the script it was designed so that you’d hear the first few chords and then — boom — it was more about between gigs. Then Peter Moore, a local producer, had a good relationship with the band Swamp Baby. So basically it was Peter and the band. I would just drop by every once in a while to have some scotch or listen to the tracks. Then Hugh came in and replaced the vocals. The singer of Swamp Baby was hoping we’d at least have one track that we’d hear his voice on but sadly he was completely replaced. Still, the cover of Sonic Reducer I fucking love. I looked up the original recently and thought that our version was way better. We did a tribute album on BMG at one point with a bunch of bands covering the songs. It’s Turner’s words and Peter’s guidance. I’ll see if I can bring Peter down to the Revue on the 14th, bring some of the posse down. Because he did a great job on it, spent a lot of time.

Like the dude in the Vader suit.
Yeah exactly. So it’ll be pretty exciting to have some bands coming at some of these songs at the Revue.

What was the process or challenge of turning a book that’s not really straight narrative story into a movie?
I’m basically a very lazy guy who seeks out things that I think’ll be easy. When I read the book I was sort of like, “Wow, I like this whole thing about bands… and music,” and, you know, there didn’t seem to be that many pages in the book and not a lot of stuff to figure out. Easy. They go from here to here to there, stuff happens, how complicated could it be? But Noel brought a lot to the table in the adaptation, just in terms of setting up themes and linking things. So the process lasted about a year. It wasn’t laborious or painful, but it was hard work. Sometimes it’s quite a trap to be slaves to the source material because it can never become it’s own thing. But Noel was forwardthinking enough to just read the book once or twice and write the script. Only go back to it once in awhile. I remember when we finally brought the script to Turner, he flipped through the script going “funny, I don’t really recognize any of my writing in this,” but in the end he loved the final product. He was very complimentary that we’d taken the spirit of it, that he understood the idea that a movie and a book are totally different beasts. I think that’s what I liked about the Turner book. You could smell it a bit, you could hear it. It wasn’t jampacked with stage directions and cluttered psychology. The idea of adapting something from a more poetic source gives you more motor than a thick novel when you have to cut out most of it.

One of the things that was sort of interesting about the adaptation is that it wasn’t until the very last stages of the script writing that we decided to make it a documentary. Partly for economic reasons, partly to create a style that is not that expensive i.e. the rockumentary. All those ’60s-’70s rockumentaries seemed to define that collision of music and movies. Like A Hard Days Night is kind of a documentary. It’s what’s really happening with those guys but let’s find a simple little story –- which is go to this place and put on the show. Hard Core Logo used to open with A Hard Days Night tribute actually. That was the original opening of the script. It was the song “Rock ‘n’ Roll is Fat and Ugly” and we had them all dressed in Beatles wigs and Beatles costumes and these screaming teenage school girls chasing them and replicating songs from Hard Days Night . I think it’s on the DVD. They end up being machinegunned to death by a Madonna lookalike and a transvestite with a gattling gun while these two naked chick fans are in this big pot being boiled. But people are always “let’s get to the fucking story,” so these openings fall flat.

And you shaving your head got cut out of the movie too. Were you frustrated by that? Like ‘I cut off all of my beautiful hair for nothing’?
Not really. It wasn’t a hard choice. It’s always shocking to see yourself on camera no matter what you’re doing. A few scenes we cut out because the movie begins to take a life of its own and accept and reject organs, so sometimes a scene just doesn’t belong. So no it wasn’t hard, it was fun to do and the actors got a kick out of it. It brings you closer to the actors, especially male actors. It’s a weird thing being an actor, hearing “go here, stand there, say this, do that” and the director is calling all the shots.

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

After the Warren Kinsella debacle that was our last Best/Worst, we thought it’d be appropriate to follow up with someone who offers the same degree of popularity-cum-polarity, only on the other side of the Internet spectrum. Ladies and gentlemen, blogging champion of the world Lauren White AKA Raymi the Minx!

For the unacquainted, our favourite Toronto-based A-list blogger runs what would at first glance appear to be a celebrity blog or fansite (in that it details the down-to-the-minute minutia of an everyday life in text + blagillions of photos), only it’s journal… and it’s all about her. Even though she’s my age [read: a wee babe], she’s a grandmama in the blog world, having been at it since, like, the year 2000, long before your mom heard the word “blogosphere” on CNN.

If you live in Toronto, you’ve definitely glimpsed her in real life –- at every concert/press party/free booze shindig you’ve ever attended. Or maybe even at one of her art shows (where she showcases equal parts paintings of Lindsay Lohan and Kim Jong-Il). And if you recognized her, you definitely checked her site the next day to see whether or not she approved of the scene-y event of your choosing.

There was probably a time when I reloaded Raymi’s blog more than my own email, mostly because she actually updates that much (we could take a cue). This was a revelation– a time-killing mega-distraction on a pre-Mark Zuckerberg Internet. For some, it’s hard to pinpoint the appeal of her blog, outside of the blankfaced voyeurism it affords with little to no censorship. Its been referred to as everything from performance art to soft porn (and thus occasionally blocked on the computers of those with real-people jobs), and she gets written about by everyone from Eye Weekly to Drunken Stepfather. I dunno, we just like her. And other people must too because she has lots of those weird little Best Blog in Canada/the-Universe awards on her site, and more hits than we could dream of this side of becoming a Warren Kinsella hate forum. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt her rad factor that she’s related to Jack Kerouac.

(p.s. we did this interview via email and aren’t editing it, lest the raymicore-types lynchmob us)

Worst day-job
i worked for one day only in park slope, brooklyn at this total yuppie organic vegetarian cafe, so uptight, it was a month after 9/11 so everyone was on edge and lost (jobwise, spiritually, whatever), i really needed money, it was going to be under the table. i eat meat and at the time i smoked, i think the smoking thing is what turned them off of me. i was paid 5 bucks an hour for that day. at dinnertime all these demanding waspy types came in and rushed the store and called in orders, total chaos, on top of being taught everything in 20 minutes like how to tare (measure) on the scale all the portions, fuck. totally made me scatterbrained and feel wickedly stupid. it’s hard to learn when you know someone thinks you are an idiot, prior to that i had zero food industry experience, bartending yes, food no. i did not receive a call back. i forget what the place is called and i do not care they can kiss my ass.

Worst haircut
the one i got in england (for free) when i was 17. well it wasnt so bad, but when i came back to canada i had it modified even shorter and then it just went bananas from there. here is the original cut, not too bad, kinda moppish beatle. not so hot looking in this one then from there i fucked it all up by rod stewarting myself. yikes right.

Worst subculture
goths or emo kids.

Worst date
oh fuck too many, like the time i took the subway all the way to scarborough to meet a dude from the internet who was like totally pushy and nowhere close to as dashing as he seemed on the net. he was really skinny and tall and russian and really wanted to do it and i was putting out all these it’s not going to happen vibes, i get really polite when i am uncomfortable and i smile a lot and so he was misreading it, he offered to drive me back downtown (i was commuting from the burbs at the time working d/t) and i was like no way i am taking the subway. oh and using the payphone after i ditched the guy i left my brothers new winter hat in the booth. insult to injury much.

Worst invention
that ponytail thing that makes knots in your hair, the type of style polygamists rock, ungh brutal to my eyes.

Worst purchase
anything i have ever scooped on impulse, typically clothes. oh wait i bought a spinner blinged out necklace as a joke, gave it to my niece. it wasnt that expensive, just a pointless purchase. also an expensive pair of jeans that i never even wear.

Worst way to die
being murdered, doesnt matter how. someone taking your life from you w/o your choosing or desire to die, the worst. then theres cancer and aids and blah blah bla death is scary!

So after a brutal week of moving to new digs, having both our computers simultaneously + spontaneously combust on us, and working out this Hard Core Logo thing that we’ve already yapped to death about (Eye Weekly even interviewed us, how this seems like a good idea to anyone outside of my little brother, let alone a couple hundred little brothers is still beyond me), it’s nigh time to let the man himself take over. Dames and gents, director of Hard Core Logo and just the right # of Degrassi episodes (amongst other things), Mr. Bruce McDonald!

(this isn’t a 3-parter for suspense reasons, more just due to sheer exhaustion. Enjoy!)

JBdotcom: So let’s cut to the chase: Why is HCL the best Canadian film ever made?
BRUCE McDONALD: Ah, it’s always nice to hear that phrase. You know, I think every once in a while all the forces come together and they’re just right. Right time, right place, right guys, just everything kind of works. Partly the architecture of it — the Dirty Beatles, the working class Spinal Tap — maybe the architecture of the characters, they’re very archetypal. It’s just a great love story between these two guys, a deep friendship, and there’s a great chemistry between Callum [Keith Rennie] and Hugh [Dillon]. Just a great natural off-screen chemistry. They had this really intense curiosity, a mutual respect for each other coming from the different worlds -– music and film. So it was [author Michael] Turner’s design and the chemistry of these guys, going downriver to the heart of darkness. There’s something fundamental about the journey, it goes back to whatever Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn, Conrad –- not to get lofty -– but a lot of people over the years have been very generous.

How has it held up in your mind over the last 10+ years?
I haven’t really seen it since we’ve made it but I’ve had a lot of chats about it and I’m still good friends with Hugh and Callum and Michael Turner and Noel [Baker, the screenwriter]. The people that made it are all still pretty tight. Of all the films I’ve made I think this one has gotten the most response -– and longest lasting. It’s a nice discovery for people. They feel like they own this film in a way because it hasn’t been shoved down their throats. People carry it around with them and they’re excited to share their experiences with it when they see me. These are guys like people we know. A lot of movies I’ve seen about musicians -– especially rock musicians –- they’re either parodies or they’re painted as idiots or lovable oafs, where these guys really gave the characters and the world they’re in a great sense of stakes and reality. I’m very proud of it. It’s a very fine unexpected bonus having been part of this film.

Did you anticipate it developing the cult status that it has?
Not really. But it’s nice to know you’ve made something that’s going to last and age well. There’s so much stuff out there that it’s a miracle to even get it out there, nevermind have it take hold. It’s funny, these 12-year-old neighbours of ours are big Billy Talent fans and they’re huge Hard Core Logo fans. They’re 12! It’s their favourite movie! I just love that. I mean, when it came out it only lasted a couple of weeks in the theatre, got pretty good notices, but I never expected to be having this exciting phone conversation about this event coming up shortly. That to me is a great bonus of having made that film, that it still continues to resonate for people, still continues to be seen and discussed or referred to. Whether it’s this band naming themselves after Billy Tallent or it’s somebody I know doing a stage version of it.

Wait, really?
Oh yeah, it’s a musical. This guy from Edmonton. They also have the English rights to The Black Rider, the Tom Waits project. They’ve been touring that all over the UK, Canada, and America. This is their next project.

The movie has distro in the States now through Quentin Tarantino. How did that come about?
We were trying to shop it around and couldn’t get anybody interested. We went everywhere. And then at the very end of our year long slog through screening rooms, we went to Austin specifically because we knew Tarantino was going to be there. Our cameraman hunted him down at this house party and he came to see it the next night. It made a huge difference for awareness and respect. Suddenly it’s, “oh, Quentin loves this film, maybe it IS cool!” Made a huge difference back home. He was, god bless him, just a film fan and loved it. He was in a place at the time where he could do whatever he wanted, so I always had a great respect for him. He’s true to his roots, an independent filmmaker that tries to turn people on to films he loves. We put him on the Canadian release and the American release and its probably drawn a lot of people that probably wouldn’t have otherwise explored that route.

Do you think it’s weird that the Canadian star system needs an American name to legitimize itself? Or is that just the nature of being in a smaller country next to big papa?
Yeah, that’s just the way it goes. You hear the same stories out of Germany and England, no respect until another place gives the hearty embrace. Then the hometown crowd is all, “Oh, maybe your guy is alright!” That outside validation always makes a big difference.

You mentioned the love story between Joe Dick and Billy Tallent as one of the things that really makes the movie work, and we were actually joking earlier about how you single-handedly managed to foreshadow the sort of Judd Apatow bromantic comedy boom. What was it like bringing that to the forefront? It’s a punk rock movie, but it’s the relationship that keeps you.
Pulling that out was really the result of those two guys hitting it off personally. It sort of intensified and coloured everything in the script. If they hadn’t had that chemistry it would have been alright but I think that’s what people get about it. Romances are very powerful things. Traditionally, Canadian independent films have been more about alienation, broken down farms and just fucking bummer trips. You know, “fucked, this is just fucked, I’m all by myself and I woke up by myself…” so just this idea of connecting with another person in an intense way is really kind of inspiring and life affirming. The end result for poor Joe is just a very romantic way out too. Let’s just go big.

PART 2 COMING SOON…ISH

Really! To a new house, not a new domain or a new media conglomerate or something. It’s still annoying, though. See you in a few days.

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

So for those of us who cared, the Fullblast reunion/final show happened this Wednesday in Toronto. It was amazing, and at the very end, after playing a song called “Lee Majors, Now There’s A Man In His Prime” with almost every former member of the band on stage at the same time (there were a lot of guitar players over the years), this girl in front of me turned to her boyfriend and said “Fuck, I think I’m going to cry”. It was kind of lame, but I kind of understood. But I’m not cool.

As we outlined on Monday, the Fullblast were never a genre-defining band. They were just a really awesome band that a lot us really loved. Which meant that this reunion/final show (they broke up quick, no final show, kids bummed, etc) felt like some unreal high school reunion where everyone’s actually cool and the music kicks ass. I wrote a really hyperbolic review of the show when I got home that night for Exclaim!. Oh, and Ian Stanger is a cool guy who sings good. He looked like he was living out some weird punk rock movie-of-the-week all night, and it was well deserved and totally amazing.

Best injury
In all our years in the band, I managed to evade significant injury on tour, or, more impressively, on stage. We like to go a little crazy, which means there’s usually flying bodies or headstocks. After four years, I finally took my first headstock to the head in Lake Orion, Michigan. Our bass player, Bri, slammed his headstock down on the top of my head. I collapsed, crawled to the drum riser and sat there to get my bearings… Just as I was about to get back up to continue the song, our guitar player Darran cracked me in the exact same spot with his guitar. After four years of flawless coordination and choreography, I took two ridiculous shots to the head in one set. And the set ruled.

Best historical figure
I was trying to think of something remotely witty to say here, but I’m drawing blanks. I’d probably have to agree with the CBC in their 100 Best Canadians winner Tommy Douglas and his national public healthcare system. It seems to be one of the defining characteristics of life in Canada, so lets go with that.

Best shirt
I’d say the first Lifetime shirt I ever got would be my favourite. A good friend of mine from Hawaii brought it as a present a couple of years ago after she saw them play in New York. The combination of it being one of my favourite bands, the sentimental value of a thoughtful gift, and the fact that it fits like a glove. Good shirt!

Best thing to do with $20
This is complicated, because you can do a bunch of little things with $20, or blow it all on one thing. I’d say my $20 would include a Blue Jays game, Pizza and a bag of Sour Patch Kids.

Best party trick
I don’t have any particular party tricks or talents, but my best friends from high school have the uncanny ability to slap one another in the face harder than any human should be slapped. I think the record for slaps is 211. Also, for anyone out there who is a fan of party-slapping, check out a video on youtube — this kid gets one-slapped and knocked right out. It’s unreal.

Best monster
That’s easy, its Sully from Monsters Inc.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
I don’t think we did enough interviews to ever get past the typical questions like “Where did you get your band name from?”, or “What’s the best part of being on tour?”. So instead, I’ve asked my friend Sprack, who bussed in for the show to ask me a question related to the Fullblast.

Question: “Who is your least favourite ex-member of the Fullblast?”.
Answer: Wow, really stirring the pot Sprack. I’m going to take the safe way out of this one and say I love all of them equally.

From Craigslist Toronto:

Brief case full of Canadian tire money…one Dollar “bills” very neatly bundled up with those fat purple elastic bands generally used for broccoli. Also, blueprints for some kind of under ground bunker. The only other thing in the briefcase was a mini Etch-e-sketch on a key chain. No judgments people!

So if you can correctly answer at least 2 of the questions below; you must be the rightful owner and I will gladly return the case & contents to you.

1.What is the name of the country where the broccoli was grown? (they are all the same elastics)
2.Can you describe the case? (color, texture, handle(s) etc)
3.Address of the proposed bunker…
4.Bonus points if you care to tell me what the heck you are up to with this much Canadian tire money, who do you know in the broccoli biz, and just generally WTF?!?

I hate Canadian tire so I have no use for this money, I’m just not sure what else to do, so please come get your funny money. P.s. if this is some kind of weird Canadian tire mafia thing, I don’t want any trouble eh?

From San Diego:

Hello. I have a big box of used cat and kitten hats that I have collected over the years for various occasions. As of recently my cat, Snowman, is no longer living and thus I am forced to get rid of these precious memories. I would not feel right asking money for them so I am offering the whole box for free. There are many styles from formal to cute and funny.

There is a variety of 14 different hats total. I just hope you and your pet can find as much joy in these hats as me and Snowman once did.

Alright, kids, more Hard Core Logo Tribute Night announcements.

1) We’ve got sweet dudes and ladies singing from the Flatliners, the Wooden Sky, Titan, Vilipend, Dance Electric, Spookey Rueben, Springloaded, and Little Millionaires (ex-Bombs Over Providence).

And more to come.

Plus unannounceable but very special SPECIAL GUESTS.

2) We’ve got rare CDs, shirts, and limited-pressing vinyl from Fat Wreck Chords, Underground Operations, Sudden Death, Black Box, Union Label Group, Dine Alone, Smallman, Atticus Clothing, Shadow Shows Films, and Exclaim! Magazine.

3) We’re going to have the best night ever. Tell all your friends so they can have the best night ever too. Seriously. That’s why we all got Facebook in the first place.

My shoes got wrecked, someone got struck by lightning, and this dog with a backstage pass kept rushing past us during RZA and GZA.

A+.

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday!

The Fullblast were a really awesome band from Toronto’s westward suburban expanse (known affectionately as “the 905″) that played really fast punk rock from 2000 until 2006. They broke up when their drummer left to play guitar in Boys Night Out and they never played a final show and everyone was bummed. There were full-on riots in the streets of Oakville and an effigy of lead singer Ian Stanger was burned outside of Mississauga’s city hall. Which is why, two years after the fact, the band is finally getting together for a final/reunion show. This Wednesday. And also Tuesday. But that one doesn’t really count.

In the mid-90s and early-00s (what?), the 905 was pushing out more awesome bands than you could shake a well-maintained, highly-accessorized mid-size sedan at. Some of the bands got really insanely internationally famous, and some came really close but just ended up getting ripped off by way shittier bands. The Fullblast basically sounded like Lifetime and probably could have been huge. They were catchy without being derivative, and technical without being alienating. They had amassed a substantial following across the country at the time of their break-up, just as it seemed like the band’s investment (time, money, sanity) was about to pay off. Which is why, two years later, they’ve managed to sell out Toronto’s Opera House for their final show. They’re also playing an abridged warm-up set in London this Tuesday, but c’mon. London?

Basically, the Fullblast were amazing. I was at the show the above picture was taken at. It was great. That the band has sold out Toronto’s biggest mid-size venue is a well-warranted final accolade. They didn’t get many in their time, but as melodic punk rock becomes more and more commodified and haircut-driven, the Fullblast have come to stand as an example of pop music played with integrity and and a metric fuckton of vigor.

Worst day-job
I’m lucky insofar as I’ve never hated a day job. I worked at Pizza Hut for about 5 years through high school and into university, and that much free pizza is never a bad thing. I guess I’d have to say working at the MiniMart on the University of Windsor campus during my second year. How humiliating.

Worst haircut
Probably the one I’m sporting right now — I’m in that “in between” stage trying to decide if I want to let it grow or cut it short. Delaying the decision isn’t helping my current situation.

Worst subculture
Nu-metal culture. There’s really nothing redeeming that I can identify in such terrible style and music.

Worst date
There was a venue in the town I grew up in called the Pine Room. It’s where all the great local shows happened during a period of four to five years. The venue was on thin ice for a while, and one time I took my girlfriend at the time to go see Moneen, Small Brown Bike, and Piebald there. Apparently the show was awesome, and Moneen nearly burned the place down and set off fire alarms by setting off fireworks inside by attaching them to the headstocks of their guitars. By all accounts, it was quite a spectacle. But I wouldn’t know, I missed it because I was in the car getting dumped. That was the last show at the Pine Room. I’m still bitter. (Ed.’s note: This seriously is one of the most legendary 905 shows ever.)

Worst invention
Personal audio amplifiers/ I just saw this on TV the other day and it seems absolutely useless. It’s a unit that looks like an mp3 player, with a sensitive microphone and earphones. Apparently it’s supposed to boost sound from far away so you can do things like — and these are taken directly from the commercial — listen in on conversations, and hear better in church. Capitalizing on the supremely suspicious and religious. Ridiculous.

Worst purchase
There have been many, many terrible purchases. I think one time I spent $300 on a flat-panel computer monitor because I thought they were the height of new technology. I took it home, and ended up buying a laptop two weeks later. I don’t think the monitor ever made it out of the box. Thanks, Visa.

Worst way to die
Drowning. While listening to Disturbed.

The Life of Mammals. The Life of Birds. The Trials of Life. Get it? Good. The BBC is seriously into life. Not just any ordinary old life, I’m talking the best of the best: whales, gorillas, phytoplankton and parrots. You would think that the solid gold animals that make up these documentary series would make them enjoyable or entertaining to watch. You’d be wrong.

See, I love animals. I love fish, and kangaroos and all the problems associated with being them. However, after watching roughly 17 hours, no shitting, of animals being themselves and eating each other you start to realize something. What the hell is the point? I mean, it’s freakin sweet to see salmon swim upstream — they go through this whole big endurance race to the north to have fish sex, creepy though -– but honestly, why do they do it? It’s way easier to just chill down south like your grandpappy.

I came up with a few possible solutions as to why animals exist and do what they do.

1. Humans over analyze animals and forget that they are animals. We assume that we are better than animals but really, we just want to do animal stuff and have sex too.

2. We would be totally fucked without them.

3. They are reflections of a greater being who is beyond the grasp any human theist or current religion could contain.

4. A metaphor.

4. David Attenborough.

Sitting on couches, beds and basically doing dick all at work I have had the time to come to the conclusion that animals exist purely to be narrated by David Attenborough. I mean, David has practically narrated every animal there is. He narrated two whales into eating each other. Seriously, I saw it. He even narrated a polar bear into catching a beluga. It doesn’t take a genius to put this together.

While being initially interesting, David has worn me thin. He really likes to narrate animals doing the same thing. Watch any random clip from the above documentaries and I can guarantee that it will go as follows: David narrates the prey into the scene. He brings in the predator. He then proceeds to show off his dramatic skills by either a) allowing the weaker animal to get away, or b) allowing the kinetic carnage to ensue. Yes, the animals may look different, but being guided by Attenborough (pure id) they all end up doing the same thing.

Bottom line, watch one, watch ‘em all.

BBC LIFE SERIES: 7 Social Climbing Monkeys out of 11.

What’s Worst Mondays without a dark and villainous foil? That’s the kind of thinking that forced us to create Best Fridays. So, for all our weekend warrior brethren: Wooooo, T-G-I-F, right? Herein we hope to bookend your awful week by quizzing our previous Worst Mondays candidate about slightly more encouraging things. Every Friday!

At this point, there isn’t much we could say that hasn’t been said in the forty blamillion comments you can find on our Worst Mondays with this guy. And our follow-up post. Yeah, it’s been that kind of a week.

It’s probably important to remind all the kids at home that we’ve made a point of not editing or deleting any of the comments on our previous Kinsella post. Some people said some whacked-out, totally preposterous shit (on both sides), and while we don’t agree with a lot of it, we here at JUICEBOXdotcom are strong proponents of whacked out, totally preposterous shit. And seriously, you know you’re doing something right when an interview about your hair gets your haters up in arms. Let’s see how they deal with the more POSI-SHIT:

Best injury
Scar to my mug, incurred in a bar brawl. It’s still there. I catch people staring at it sometimes, and it always provides a bit of conversational fodder.

Best historical figure
Jesus Christ. He was clearly a Socialist, he was clearly married to Mary Magdalene, and he would clearly be appalled by what people do in his name. Mohamed and Moses would likely share his view, in that regard.

Best shirt
My black Stiff Records’ “IF IT AIN’T STIFF, IT AIN’T WORTH A FUCK.” I loved that shirt. I protected it from my mother for months, but I eventually had to remove it. She swooped in, ostensibly on a laundry pretext, and I never saw it again. I would give a hundred bucks for a shirt like that.

Best thing to do with $20
Buy a Stiff Records “IF IT AIN’T STIFF, IT AIN’T WORTH A FUCK” tee. Failing that, Searching For A Former Clarity by Against Me. I will be buried to that record. That, or “Fuck Christmas” by Fear. Haven’t decided yet.

Best party trick
I can talk like Barney the dinosaur. Honest. Also, I do an excellent impersonation of Obama clapping.

Best monster
I am scared shitless of zombies. My fellow members of the Hot Nasties saw Dawn of the Dead when it came out — in an, um, altered state — and I haven’t been the same since. Every house I live in, I consider the zombie-proofing possibilities.

Best question ever asked of you in an interview. Now answer it:
“What is hate?” Charlotte Gray asked me that for Saturday Night, when they were writing about my book Web of Hate. I said, eventually, it was the opposite of love, but that is a lame answer. The real answer is that hate is a commitment to destroy. If I’m right, quite a few of us are haters.

We already told you to take August 14 off of work, life, and sobriety. Now we’re telling everyone else on the internets and letting a few details slip. We’re holding the whole caboodle until Monday morning, when we spam the shit out of mainstream press with hot tips and cool treats, but for now, this is all we’re saying:

NOW HOLD ON JUST A SECOND… do you mean to tell me that all we had to do to get 2000 hits a day was to tag a post with ‘Warren Kinsella‘? Really? A post where he tells you about his worst haircut? Because say no more, web denizens (and certainly you’ve said enough in your 30+ comments on that post alone), the people have spoken and no longer will JUICEBOXdotcom have a mandate of… nothing, nothing whatsoever… it seems we have finally found our niche. Behold! Bask in the majesty that is Mr. Kinsella. What? You hate him? That’s okay, we’ll be your battleground if your hits pay our hosting costs!

Oh boy. I hope we get to relive the magic on Best Fridays. Thanks, Warren. Much obliged. Wanna do a weekly recipe column for us?

edit: WARREN KINSELLA: RECIPE FOR HITS

From Craigslist Chicago:

FOR SALE: 1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc.), but it is in overall good condition considering its age.

First come first serve

From Colorado:

PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS

three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two
babies. in good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. will
trade for a good dog or weed eater, will also consider any kind
of alcohol as long as it ain’t been opened up.

At JUICEBOX HQ, we’ve never really had a case of the Mondays because we don’t have real-people jobs. But for those feeling a bit garfield this A.M., feel free to wallow in other people’s most hated things. Every Monday! (Except for, you know, last Monday. Sorry.)

When combing the internet provides you with a photo of some politico in their office with a huge Joy Division poster on the wall (see below), you know you’re not dealing with your run-of-the-mill high-ranking Liberal Party insider. We say that because, as Young People, we are disenfranchised with “the system” and listen to a lot of “Rage Against the Machine.” Anyway, Warren Kinsella makes us want to to trade in our Che Guevara shirts and get some nice slacks with anarchy patches on them.

Photo by DZGNBOY

Kinsella is many things to many people. Best known to Canadians as the Liberal Party spin-doctor who helped lead Jean Chretien to a blagillion landslide majority governments in the ’90s (earning him a reputation as our own little James Carville in the process), he’s also a best-selling author, political consultant, and a veteran punk rocker. Nardwaur’s band even covered one of his songs. Peep that shit.

So he runs an insanely popular blog, fights nazis, and told The National Post (his former employer) where to shove it. We don’t always agree with him (guy hates Wikipedia!), but we respect him. Plus, he’s actually very tall, and could probably beat us in a fight:

Worst day-job
Probably at Corporate Death Burger — you know, McDonald’s — in Calgary at age 15. I ended up writing a big expose about the experience for the school paper, and was threatened with a libel lawsuit. My first!

Worst haircut
Any of the ones in which Nature is turning me, involuntarily, into a skinhead. I don’t like any of those.

Worst subculture
Hippies. I always despised hippies. Self-obsessed, self-centred, selfish. Forget about “peace and love” - hate and war, like the Clash said.

Worst date
I actually got two front row tickets to see Queen at the Jubilee Stadium in Calgary (I was more interested in seeing Thin Lizzie, and actually chatted with Phil Lynott while there, but I digress), and took Bonnie, the then great love of my youthful life. When we left, she said: “Where’s your car?” I told her I didn’t have one. She left with someone else. Nice.

Worst invention
The iPhone, naturally. IT’S A PHONE, PEOPLE. It’s an EXPENSIVE phone. Do you all have to be such consumerist victims all the time? Sheesh.

Worst purchase
The iPhone. No, just kidding; I didn’t line up for one, and nor will I ever. Worst purchase? I would say those Queen tickets.

Worst way to die
Tied to chair, being forced to watch successive episodes of American Idol. Sweet Jesus Almighty, I loathe that program. Unfortunately, my view is not shared by the women who live in our house.

Being the coolest fucking dude on the internet, I just got home from a midnight screening of the most nerd-boner-inducing movie of 2008, The Dark Knight. It’s now almost 4 a.m. and my house is about four or five degrees hotter than it is outside, which would make it about 35 degrees Celsius in my house. Man, fuck this place. I’m also listening to the new Off With Their Heads record, which I highly recommend, so not everything is bad here. It’s kind of like Hot Water Music, but more like the Ramones. Like the Ramones covering Hot Water Music, maybe? Sort of. Also, my computer crashed while I was gone, which is a bummer since it was exporting this week’s video for my day job. I’m hoping it can render in time, so I’m writing this on a really old laptop with a weak battery. Who knows if anyone will ever read this? Also, I’m pretty hungry, but there were some leftover chicken wings in my fridge. Oh, Dark Knight kicked ass. Here are some text messages I got about it.

FROM:
Deuce
416-xxx-xxxx
MESSAGE
the dark knight=shit sandwhich. up there with daredevil as one of the great comic book movies
RECEIVED ON
July 18, 08 2:44am

FROM:
Liz Stannard
647-xxx-xxxx
MESSAGE
da na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na batman! rocks.
RECEIVED ON
July 18, 08 3:09am

Geeks.

While looking through clothing from my “beefy” era the other day, I came across a thick maroon t-shirt and pair of light gray shorts. I was a little perplexed at first because, you know, maroon is cool and all, but… then I realized that I had found my high school gym outfit. Ah, memories of how that crest of a grizzly’s smiling face used to irritate my right nipple to the point where it got infected in grade 9.

Now, there’s no chance in hell anyone would ever want my high school gym shirt. I’d even feel bad giving it to Goodwill. A Monseigneur De Charbonnel Grizzlies gym shirt is completely worthless.

On the other hand, the #23 St. Mary High School Fighting Irish 2001-2002 jersey was auctioned for $8,365. It belonged to Lebron James, NBA All Star and “most marketable player in the league.” And the fact that someone paid that much for his dirty high school jersey is not even good enough to make the Top 10 Reasons You Will Never Be Lebron James.

10. The King’s Court
In his junior year of high school (grade 11 for those who don’t watch American TV), he was so good that he became known nationally as “King James,” a nickname that stuck. He was so good that Shaq made a pit stop on the way to Arby’s to see him play.

9. TV Star
On top of various TV adds (like the Sprite one with that afro toy thing), James hosted the season premiere of SNL’s 33rd season. He did a “Solid Gold” sketch and a High School Musical parody where he’s the new kid in class. They’re so great that SNL pulled them from YouTube.

8. King Kong wannabe
This past winter he became the first black man to appear on the cover of Vogue. Not only was he on it with Tom Brady’s girlfriend, their pose depicted a King Kong portrait, mainly because…

7. Lebron=Gigantor=Jaws from 007
Lebron is 6 foot 8 inches tall (2.03 meters in Canada), weighs 250 pounds, and is born on December 30th, 1984, meaning he is likely younger than you. WAY younger.

6. Che Guevara-like rebellion
Lebron was so big in high school (he scored 2,657 points in 4 years), he ended up playing in two all star games in his senior year, making him ineligible for the NCAA (the college league). He went straight to the NBA, and there is now a rule forcing players to go to college for at least a year.

5. His second son is named Bryce Maximus James.
Just shut up. You’ll never beat that. Not even Atticus Phoenix is better. [Ed.'s note: Robert Rodriguez's four sons are called Rocket Valentin, Racer Max, Rebel Antonio, and Rogue. Eat that, Lebron.]

4. Enough money to buy a college diploma
Before he even played his first game in the NBA, Lebron signed a $90 million deal with Nike. Yeah yeah, you don’t like Nike and their sweatshops, but even Bono would stop whining for that kind of cash. He has a $15 million Coca Cola deal, $6 million with Upper Deck, and $7.5 million with Cub Cadet (wtf is that anyway?). Oh, and the Cleveland Cavaliers also pay him a measly $13 million a year to play on a basketball “team”.

3. He is delicious
There is a flavor of Bubblicious Bubble Gum called Lebron’s Lighting Lemonade.

2. Lebron cares… I think…
During the 2007 NBA Playoffs (in which his team lost the finals), Lebron refused to sign a petition for Darfur stating that he “didn’t know enough about the conflict.” Bad Lebron, very very bad. But never fear, he recently stated, “At the end of the day we’re talking about human rights. And people should understand that human rights and people’s lives are in jeopardy. We’re not talking about contracts here. We’re not talking about money. We’re talking about people’s lives being lost and that means a lot more to me than some money or a contract.” So… he cares, right?

1. Lebron’s favorite high school class was Earth Science
‘nuf said.

In a series of actions that can only be described as totally awesome, some Canadian “internet company” that “specializes in pornography” (I’m sure their other ventures include knitting how-to and clambakes) tried to hack into Facebook, like, 200,000 times in mid-2007 in order to steal user data and, presumably, use it to sell everyone buckettons of porno.

The suit that Lord Zuckerberg brought against the tiny Canuck cyber-pervs has landed Facebook a cool $500,000 settlement with everyone over at SlickCash (yeah, pretty cool guys) banned from using Facebook for 10 YEARS. Bummertown, dudes. See you over at www.cartoonporn.com, I guess.